What Did I Marry? Coercive Control and the Illusion of “His House”
- Deanna Newell
- Apr 10
- 3 min read
There is a question that many women consider, but rarely say out loud:
“What have I married?”
Not because the signs were always obvious. But because coercive control does not begin with chaos.
It begins with control, subtle, strategic, and socially invisible.
The Illusion of Security
In The Housemaid, we see a familiar façade;
a beautiful home, financial stability, a respectable partner.
However beneath that image lies a system of control rooted in ownership:
“My house. My money. My rules.”
This is not a partnership.
This is a power imbalance, disguised as stability.
If you haven’t seen The Housemaid, it provides a clear narrative example of financial and economic abuse, illustrating how control over money, housing, and dependency can be used to entrap.
When Control Is Legal, But Not Prevented
Under the Serious Crime Act 2015, coercive control is a criminal offence.
It includes:-
Controlling access to money
Isolating a partner
Restricting freedom
Creating dependency
And yet, financial abuse remains one of the least recognised and least enforced forms of domestic abuse in the UK.
Because it doesn’t always leave bruises.
It leaves dependency.
The Invisible Cage
Control does not require physical restraint. It is built through:-
Restricted access to finances
Economic dependency
Control of housing
Fear of destitution
When a woman cannot leave because she has no savings, no independent income, and children to support, she is not “choosing” to stay.
She is trapped by design.
Who Controls the Story Controls the Outcome
One of the most insidious tools of coercive control is narrative manipulation.
She is labelled:-
Unstable
Emotional
Difficult
Her reactions — often a direct response to sustained control, are used to undermine her credibility.
Meanwhile, the perpetrator remains calm, composed, and believable.
This is not coincidence.
This is strategy.
The Most Dangerous Question
“Why doesn’t she just leave?”
It is a question that continues to dominate public discourse, and it is the wrong one.
Leaving involves:-
Risk of homelessness
Financial collapse
Escalation of abuse
Fear for children’s safety
Leaving without resources is not freedom.
It is exposure to further harm.
For many women, staying is not passivity, it is risk management.
The System Doesn’t End the Control, It Can Enable It
The problem does not end at separation.
The Child Maintenance Service does not require full financial disclosure in the same way as court proceedings. This creates space for:-
Income minimisation
Payment avoidance
Continued financial control
For victims, this is not a bureaucratic gap.
It is post-separation economic abuse.
A Pattern That We Still Refuse to Name
Coercive control often includes a quieter truth:
Replaceability
Partners become interchangeable.
Control is re-established.
The pattern repeats.
Because for some, this was never about love.
It was about power, entitlement, and control.
A Systemic Failure
Despite legal recognition, victims remain unprotected due to:-
Weak financial transparency mechanisms
Inconsistent enforcement
Failure to treat economic abuse as high-risk
Coercive control is not confined to relationships.
It extends into the very systems designed to protect.
Freedom Is Not Just Leaving
True freedom requires:-
Financial independence
Legal protection
Safe housing
Recognition, and belief
Until then, many are not free.
They are surviving within limits set by someone else.
We Are Asking the Wrong Question
The question is not:-
“Why doesn’t she just leave?”
It is: “Why do our systems make it so difficult to be free?”
“My house. My money. My rules.”
That’s not love.
That’s control.
Financial abuse is real.
And it traps.
Deanna Newell Family Law
Advocacy for truth-tellers, survivors, and the children who deserve better
