Why You Must Gather Evidence; Your Ultimate Checklist for Spotting Manipulation and Abuse

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When you’re dealing with a manipulative or abusive ex, evidence isn’t just helpful

— it’s essential.

Abusers rewrite history.

They lie, manipulate, and flip the script.

And without proof? You become the villain in their version of events.

This is your crash course in protecting yourself and your children

— with evidence.

1. DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender

When you confront abuse, they play the victim.

They deny it. Attack you. Then claim you’re the abuser.

• Record denials, attacks, and gaslighting

• Save texts, emails, voice notes

• Log dates, times, witnesses

 2. “Parental Alienation” as a Defense

Abuse survivors are routinely accused of “alienating” children—when all they’re doing is protecting them.

• Save your reports of abuse

• Collect any retaliation where they accuse you of alienation

• Get support letters from therapists, schools, professionals

 3. Financial Abuse

Control the money, control the power. It’s one of the oldest abusive tactics in the book.

• Track unpaid support

• Save bank statements, screenshots, sabotage attempts

• Log all financial communication

 4. Vexatious Litigation / Legal Abuse

They use the court system to wear you down—emotionally and financially.

• Build a timeline of baseless filings

• Save all court documents

• Record the cost (money, time, wellbeing)

5. Threats Against Children

Some abusers escalate by threatening the unthinkable—just to keep you terrified.

• Save threatening texts and recordings

• Report and retain proof of police or safeguarding reports

• Log all context and witnesses

6. Harassment (Online, Family, Work)

Abuse doesn’t stop at your inbox. It can follow you everywhere.

• Screenshot social media attacks

• Record unwanted calls and messages

• Log impacts to work, mental health, and stability

7. Cross-Petitions to Undermine You

They file counter-orders to confuse the court and water down your truth.

• Keep every court document

• Note dates, contradictions, and tactics

• Expose the he-said/she-said strategy

8. False CPS Allegations

Weaponising social services is a chilling abuse tactic—and sadly, a common one.

• Obtain reports

• Collect proof of falsehoods

• Document all investigations and their outcomes

 9. Neglect or Abusive Parenting

They paint themselves as “fun” or “hands-off” while neglecting real care.

• Save school/medical/therapy reports

• Record concerning behavior (like hair-cutting, tantrums, isolation)

• Gather witness statements

10. Isolation Tactics

They isolate you from teachers, doctors, or any support systems you rely on.

• Track interference

• Save messages or cancellations

• Get statements from professionals

11. Counter-Parenting & Baiting

They poke, prod, and push you to explode—then say you’re the problem.

• Log texts or calls baiting a reaction

• Document efforts to sabotage parenting decisions

12. Refusing Court Orders

Court orders mean nothing to them — until they can weaponise one against you.

• Save every official order

• Track missed contact, withheld info, or breaches

• Report with precision

13. Child Support Games

They underpay, disappear, or manipulate the system to avoid responsibility.

• Keep financial records

• Document excuses and dodges

• Get receipts when possible

14. Creating Chaos

Every time there’s a court hearing or deadline—they create drama.

• Note chaos around key dates

• Track changes in communication or behavior

• Look for patterns

15. Accusations as Confessions

Projection is real. Many abusers accuse you of exactly what they’re doing.

• Write down repeated accusations

• Compare them to your documented reality

• Use patterns to reveal the truth

Why It Matters

In a broken system, evidence is your armour.

You don’t need to prove you’re perfect—just consistent, truthful, and prepared.

This checklist is your power.

Use it.

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Deanna Newell Family Law

Advocacy for truth-tellers, survivors, and the children who deserve better