When Money Controls More Than Your Wallet
- Deanna Newell
- Apr 11
- 4 min read
This isn’t about money. This is about control.
You don’t notice it at first. It starts small.
“Let me handle the finances.”
“It’s easier if I manage everything.”
“You don’t need to work right now.”
It sounds caring.
It sounds responsible.
It sounds like love.
Until one day. You realise you don’t have access to your own money.
You can’t buy food without asking.
You can’t leave, because you can’t afford to.
Your life has a gatekeeper.
And they hold the key.
This Is Coercion
Call it what it is:-
Not “traditional roles.”
Not “protecting the family.”
Not “just how things are.”
This is financial and economic abuse.
And under UK law, it falls under coercive control, defined in the Serious Crime Act 2015 Section 76.
A pattern.
A system.
A strategy.
To make you smaller, Quieter, Dependent.
Real Stories. Real Control.
(Names and details changed for safety—but these patterns are real.)
Sarah, 34
“I had a job when we met. I was independent.”
Then came the conversations:
“It makes more sense if you stay home.”
“We’ll save on childcare.”
At first, it felt practical.
Then her bank account disappeared, from shared access to none.
“I had to ask for money for nappies. For food. Sometimes he’d say no… just to prove he could.”
When she talked about going back to work?
“He said I was selfish. That I was choosing a job over my children.”
He said:-
“You wanted the children.”
“I’m the breadwinner.”
“It’s not my job to look after them.”
Like the children were only hers.
Like his role ended at earning.
Like her independence was a threat.
And then came the ultimatum, unspoken, but clear:
Work… or be a good mother.
Freedom… or your children.
He framed it as responsibility.
But what he was really doing, was removing her choices.
What she didn’t realise yet:
He wasn’t protecting the family.
He was removing her exit.
Daniel, 41
Economic abuse doesn’t always look how people expect.
“I earned more than her, but I never saw my own money.”
His wages went into a joint account.
She controlled it.
Tracked every purchase.
Questioned every expense.
“If I bought a coffee, I’d be interrogated.”
Then came the restrictions:
“She cancelled my gym membership. Said it was a waste.”
Over time;
“I stopped spending anything. It was easier than the arguments.”
Control doesn’t always come from who earns less.
It comes from who holds power.
Aisha, 29
It wasn’t sudden. It was slow.
“I didn’t even realise it was abuse.”
Her partner insisted on handling bills.
Then discouraged her from studying.
Then blocked her from working.
“He’d say, ‘Why do you need a job? I take care of everything.’”
But “everything” came with conditions.
“If I argued, money disappeared. Food got tighter. The atmosphere changed.”
The message was clear:-
Compliance = stability
Independence = punishment
Mark & Ellie (Family Case)
From the outside?
Perfect.
Photos. Holidays. Smiles.
Inside?
Ellie had no access to money.
No ability to leave.
No say in anything.
Mark controlled:-
The accounts
The bills
The narrative
“She looked like she had everything,” a friend later said.
“She had nothing that she could actually control.”
This Is What It Looks Like
You’re told that you can’t work.
Because of the children.
Because “it doesn’t make sense.”
Because “I earn enough.”
But somehow. You still have to ask for money.
You’re given just enough to survive.
Not enough to leave.
You’re denied access to bank accounts.
Locked out of decisions.
Kept in the dark.
Bills get paid late, on purpose.
Food becomes conditional.
Security becomes a weapon.
And the message is always the same:
“You need me.”
And Slowly… You Start to Believe It
That you can’t survive alone.
That you wouldn’t cope.
That you’d fail.
That this, is normal.
Behind Closed Doors vs. Online
Outside?
Everything looks perfect.
Smiles.
Family photos.
Filtered happiness.
Inside?
You’re counting coins.
Explaining every purchase.
Living under permission.
The Psychological Trap
They don’t just take your money.
They take your belief that you could survive without them.
You hear it enough:
“You’d never manage alone.”
“You have nothing without me.”
And one day. You believe it.
The Truth in Numbers
This is not rare.
1 in 4 adults in the UK have experienced economic abuse
During COVID-19, reports of financial coercion surged by around 50%
This is happening in homes next door.
Behind “perfect” relationships.
Inside lives no one questions.
The Law Sees It, Even If Others Don’t
You are not overreacting. Under UK law:-
Coercive control is a criminal offence
Preventing someone from working can be recognised as abuse
Victims may be entitled to financial support or spousal maintenance, even during a relationship
You are not “lucky to be provided for.”. You are being controlled.
Why Is It So Hard to Leave
Because they didn’t just take your money. They took:-
Your independence
Your confidence
Your options
They built a cage, and made it look like a home.
Read This Carefully
If you have to ask for money to eat…
If you’re not allowed to work…
If every financial decision is controlled…
This is abuse.
You Are Not Stuck
It feels impossible.
That’s the design.
But there is support.
There is law.
There are people who will believe you.
UK Support & Help
If this sounds like your situation — or someone you know — the organisations below can help:
National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 (24/7, free, confidential)
Refuge;
Offers safe accommodation and specialist support for women and children
Women’s Aid;
Online chat, survivor resources, and local services
Surviving Economic Abuse;
Specialist advice on financial control and rebuilding independence
Citizens Advice;
Help with legal rights, benefits, and financial options
Rights of Women;
Free legal advice lines on family law and coercive control
Final Words
This isn’t about budgeting.
This isn’t about responsibility.
This is about power.
And when someone controls your money, they can control your life.
But control can be broken. And it starts with seeing it for what it is.
Deanna Newell Family Law
Advocacy for truth-tellers, survivors, and the children who deserve better
