Understanding Calculated Abuse
- Deanna Newell
- Jul 6
- 2 min read
Too often, abuse is dismissed as a momentary “loss of control” or a one-off incident that “got out of hand.” But the truth is far more complex — and far more dangerous.
Abuse is rarely accidental. It is a deliberate, calculated pattern designed to manipulate, coerce, and control. When someone repeatedly uses intimidation, gaslighting, threats, and isolation, these are not random acts — they are carefully wielded tools of power.
Why does this matter?
Because truly understanding abuse changes everything about how survivors, support networks, and legal systems respond.
It’s not about “anger management” or “stress”
It’s about intentional control and harm
It demands clear recognition and firm intervention.
What does calculated abuse look like?
Gaslighting: Denying reality to make you question your own experiences
Coercion: Threatening to cut off financial support or access to loved one's to force compliance
Isolation: Cutting you off from friends, family, and other support systems
Blame-shifting: Making you feel responsible for their actions
Intimidation: Using threats, silent treatment, or aggressive behaviour to instill fear
What can you do if you’re experiencing this?
Keep detailed records. Note dates, times, and exactly what was said or done — write it down or save messages.
Speak to trusted professionals. Legal advocates, police, counselors — they need facts, not vague feelings.
Stay focused on the perpetrator’s behaviour. Avoid blaming yourself or making excuses for them.
Build your support network. Isolation is a tactic; connection is your lifeline.
Abuse thrives in silence and misunderstanding. But when we call it what it is — calculated, controlling, and abusive — we take the first step toward reclaiming power and safety.
You Are Not Alone
If you or someone you know is facing abuse, help is available. Reach out to trusted friends, support services, or professionals who can guide you through your options and provide safety. Remember, no one deserves to be controlled or harmed.
Take the first step today — your safety and wellbeing matter.
Deanna Newell Family Law
Advocacy for truth-tellers, survivors, and the children who deserve better
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