The Power of Small Comments: When Parenting Becomes a Power Game
- Deanna Newell
- Apr 11
- 4 min read
This is the part that no one wants to say out loud.
In some cases of domestic abuse and post-separation conflict, child arrangements stop being about the child, and start becoming a weapon.
Under the Children Act 1989, the child’s welfare is the paramount consideration.
Not control.
Not resentment.
Not punishment.
But in reality?
That’s not always what happens.
“It’s Your Order, Not Mine”
Some parents will agree terms, back and forth, negotiations, arrangements carefully worked out. And then suddenly:-
“I’m not signing it.”
“That’s your order, not mine.”
“You left me, so it’s my rules.”
Even when a Child Arrangements Order is made:-
“I’m not following it.”
This is not a misunderstanding.
This is non-compliance.
And the law is clear, a Child Arrangements Order is legally binding. Under the Children Act 1989 Section 11J, the court has powers to act where an order is breached.
But here’s the reality:-
Enforcement is not always immediate.
And in that delay…
Control continues.
Patterns, Not Accidents
Missed handovers.
Late arrivals.
Ignored messages.
Last-minute cancellations.
“They don’t want to go.”
“We’ve got plans.”
“You need to be flexible.”
Not one-offs. These are patterns.
And the court looks at patterns, not excuses.
Repeated disruption can amount to frustrating contact, something the courts take seriously.
When Control Replaces Parenting
In some cases, the order itself becomes part of the abuse.
Not about seeing the child, but about controlling the other parent.
This behaviour can fall within controlling or coercive behaviour, recognised under the Serious Crime Act 2015.
Because control doesn’t always end with separation.
Sometimes, it evolves.
The Game Behind the Order
“I didn’t confirm the time.”
“They don’t want to go.”
“We’ve got plans.”
“Children seeing their friends that weekend.”
“We’re arrange a holiday abroad on the same date as you.”
All said with just enough deniability.
Meanwhile, the other parent is left:-
Waiting.
Rearranging.
Explaining.
Walking on eggshells in order to avoid being labelled “difficult.”
And beneath it all is a hard truth:
Some parents would rather damage their child’s relationship with the other parent than lose control themselves.
Even using finances as leverage:
“You still have to pay child maintenance.”
“I’d hate to be in your shoes.”
“You left, I decide.”
This isn’t co-parenting.
This is control, with a child in the middle.
The Power of Small Comments
It doesn’t start loudly.
It starts quietly.
“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”
“I just worry about you there.”
“I miss you so much.”
“I will be on my own”.
“I am not married, like the other parent .”
Then comes reinforcement:-
Praise when they resist.
Comfort when they pull away.
Rewards when they reject the other parent.
Even constant messaging:
“Why aren’t you replying?”
“Are they stopping you?”
On the surface, it looks like care.
But underneath, it creates:
Doubt. Division. Loyalty conflict.
How the Courts View This Behaviour
The courts are not blind to subtle influence.
In Re H (Parental Alienation) [2020] EWCA Civ 664, the Court of Appeal recognised that:-
A child’s rejection of a parent may not be genuine
It may result from emotional and psychological influence
The court must examine how those views were formed
So when a parent says;
“The child doesn’t want to go”
The legal question becomes: Why?
When “Small” Actions Become Legal Harm
In Re L (A Child) [2019] EWCA Civ 2191, the court made it clear:-
A child’s relationship with a parent must not be allowed to be destroyed by the actions of the other parent.
Repeated:-
Undermining comments
Encouraging resistance
Creating emotional pressure
…are not seen as minor.
They are seen as harmful.
When the Court Intervenes
If the behaviour continues, the consequences can escalate.
In Re S (Transfer of Residence) [2010] EWCA Civ 325, the court took the serious step of changing where the child lived because one parent:-
Persistently frustrated contact
Failed to support the relationship
Prioritised control over the child’s welfare
The message is clear:-
A parent who cannot support the child’s relationship with the other parent may lose primary care.
Orders Are Not Optional
In V v V (Contact Dispute) [2004] EWHC 1215 (Fam), the court reinforced:-
Orders must be followed
Breaches undermine the authority of the court
Failure to comply has consequences
And in Re C (Direct Contact: Suspension) [2011] EWCA Civ 521:-
Contact should not stop simply because a child resists
The court must investigate the cause
The Illusion of Choice
Eventually, the child says:
“I don’t want to go.”
It sounds like independence.
But legally, it may be something else entirely:
Influence over time.
The court will consider this under the welfare checklist, including:-
Emotional needs
Impact of change
Influence from each parent
Because a child’s wishes matter, but they are not absolute.
When Relationships Become Conditional
“I’ll come if we’re doing something.”
“I only want to come if it’s special.”
Contact becomes transactional:-
Holidays Abroad
Money
Experiences
Important moments are missed.
Connection weakens.
And slowly:
Entitlement replaces emotional connection.
The Long-Term Damage
This doesn’t end in childhood.
It follows into adulthood:-
Trust issues
Relationship difficulties
Emotional confusion
Identity conflict
Because they were never truly free to love both parents.
Final Legal Reality Check
This is not about "winning.". It is about:-
Compliance with the law
Supporting the child's welfare
Protecting their right to a relationship with both parents.
Because the legal position is clear:-
Undermining a child's relationship with the other parent is not just harmful, it can have serious legal consequences.
The Question That Matters
Not: "What can I get away with?"
But: "Am I allowing my child the freedom to love both parents, without fear, pressure, or guilt?"
Because that is the line between:
Parenting... and control.
Deanna Newell Family Law
Advocacy for truth-tellers, survivors, and the children who deserve better
