The Bruises You Can’t See: Why Coercive Control Is the Most Devastating Form of Abuse

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Coercive Control

Domestic abuse has evolved.

It's not always raised fists and broken bones.

It’s not always a panic button or a black eye.

In today’s world, abuse has gone digital, psychological, and systemic.

It’s text messages that leave you breathless.

It’s walking on eggshells every day.

It’s handing your child over to someone who knows exactly how to hurt you — and get away with it.

This isn’t just emotional distress. This is coercive control — and it’s one of the most insidious forms of domestic abuse.

The Wounds That Don’t Show

Coercive control doesn’t leave visible bruises. It doesn’t always show up in A&E or on CCTV. But it leaves scars all the same — on your nervous system, your ability to trust, your sense of reality. It leaves you constantly alert, always second-guessing yourself, walking a tightrope between survival and collapse.

It’s control masked as concern.

It’s isolation dressed up as love.

It’s “Where are you?” and “Who are you with?” and “You know how anxious I get.”

This kind of abuse chips away at your autonomy until you don’t even notice what’s missing. And it’s terrifyingly easy to hide from professionals who still equate abuse with violence.

The System Still Doesn’t See It

When you finally build up the strength to report it—

When you show the police years of messages, voicemails, emails, recordings—

When you beg them to listen—

And still get the outcome: "no further action".

Because, “They never hit you.”

As if that’s the only measure of harm.

Even domestic abuse teams don’t always understand what coercive control looks like. The law might have caught up on paper—but the practice is still decades behind.

Children See Everything

Under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, children who see, hear, or experience the effects of abuse are now recognised as victims in their own right.

It’s a step forward. But in family court? It often means nothing.

• Did the judge recognise that your child was traumatised by what they witnessed?

• Did they factor it into decisions about contact?

• Or did they default to the tired old assumption: “Children need both parents”?

Too many survivors are forced to send their children to the very person who caused them harm. And if you try to protect your child? You’re labelled “hostile” or accused of “parental alienation.”

The system isn’t just failing survivors. It’s re-traumatising children.

“Why Didn’t You Just Leave?”

Because it wasn’t safe.

Because they controlled the money.

Because they threatened to take the kids.

Because leaving doesn’t stop the abuse — it often escalates it.

And what about when your child is in the abuser’s care? What happens when the court says the person who abused you should supervise your contact?

Imagine that.

Imagine knowing your child is with someone who terrorised you — someone who still holds power over you—and being told by the court to accept it.

This is not justice. This is state-sanctioned re-abuse.

It’s Time to Do Better

Mental health crises are rising. Family courts are overwhelmed. Children are being let down. Survivors are being silenced.

Coercive control kills. Sometimes slowly, sometimes suddenly — but always by eroding identity, freedom, and hope.

If we want to stop domestic abuse, we have to start recognising it when it isn’t physical.

We have to listen when survivors say: “I’m scared.”

We have to protect children from the impact of abuse — not hand them back to it.

Your Voice Matters

Have you experienced coercive control?

Did the police take you seriously?

Did the family court recognise the harm done to you and your children?

We want to hear from you. Because silence helps the abuser — not the survivor.

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Deanna Newell Family Law

Advocacy for truth-tellers, survivors, and the children who deserve better