An Open Letter to Parents: Your Children Are Watching

---

To every parent involved in a dispute over money, contact, property, or control:-

Stop using your children to punish the other parent.

Stop using finances as a weapon.

Stop withholding support, withholding contact, manipulating situations, or placing children in the middle of adult conflicts.

Because while parents are busy fighting each other, it is often the children who pay the highest price.

Children Notice More Than We Think

Children notice more than we think.

They notice when there is no money for school trips.

They notice when school uniforms are worn out.

They notice when there is little food in the cupboard.

They notice when one parent is constantly stressed about paying the bills.

They notice when they are used as messengers between adults.

They notice when they are expected to choose sides.

And they remember.

The Reality of Financial Responsibility

Some parents genuinely believe that paying less than £100 a month towards a child's upbringing is acceptable. And yet many of those same parents spend more than that on a mobile phone contract, a weekend away, nights out, or a new car.

Ask yourself honestly:-

Would you be able to house, feed, clothe, educate, and support a child for £83 a month, that is £996 a year, less than £1,000 a year?

Because that is what some children are expected to live on from one parent.

At the same time, there are parents who have received financial settlements, housing security, pensions, savings, and ongoing child support ranging from £300 to £1,000 per child per month. That equates to between £3,600 and £12,000 per child each year.

There are also parents who leave relationships with little or nothing, often after experiencing financial control, economic abuse, or coercive behaviour. Some of these parents receive very low levels of child maintenance, less than £100 a month,  despite carrying the majority of the day-to-day costs of raising their children.

These are often the parents struggling to cover housing costs, food, school uniforms, transport, activities, and the countless expenses that come with raising a child. They are the parents working long hours, making personal sacrifices, skipping holidays, shopping second-hand, and doing everything they can to provide stability for their children.

This is why assumptions are dangerous.

Not every receiving parent is financially secure. Not every paying parent is struggling. The reality is far more complex than the stereotypes we often see online.

If we want a fair system, we must follow the evidence, follow the financial trail, and focus on what matters most: ensuring children receive the support they need to thrive.

The reality is that hardship does not belong exclusively to mothers or fathers.

There are struggling mums.

There are struggling dads.

There are exceptional mothers.

There are exceptional fathers.

And there are parents of both sexes who put their own interests before their children.

That is the uncomfortable truth.

Moving Beyond Stereotypes

As someone with autism, I often notice patterns. One of the most damaging patterns I see is the stereotyping of parents.

Not all mothers are gold diggers.

Not all fathers are deadbeats.

Not all receiving parents are exploiting the system.

Not all paying parents are victims.

The real issue is accountability.

Putting Children First

Children should come first.

Always.

Not second to pride.

Not second to revenge.

Not second to greed.

Not second to control.

Children first.

Parents second.

If you are hiding income, avoiding your financial responsibilities, or deliberately reducing support to gain an advantage over the other parent, you are not hurting your former partner as much as you are hurting your child.

If you are using children as leverage, blocking healthy relationships out of anger, or creating conflict where none needs to exist, you are not protecting your child. You are placing them in the middle of an adult dispute.

The Long-Term Impact

Children grow up.

Children ask questions.

Children see patterns.

Children eventually understand who consistently showed up for them and who did not.

The consequences of our actions do not disappear simply because a child is too young to understand today.

One day they will understand.

To the Parents Doing Their Best

To the parents working multiple jobs, going without holidays, shopping in charity shops, colouring their own hair at home, and making sacrifices so your children can thrive:-

Your efforts matter.!

To the parents who consistently support their children emotionally, financially, and practically despite challenges:

Your efforts matter!

A Final Message

And to the parents who continue to put themselves before their children:-

Stop.

Think.

Look beyond your anger.

Look beyond your entitlement.

Look beyond your need to win.

Because this is not about you.

It never was.

It is about the children.

Do right by your children, even when the other parent does not.

Because at the end of the day, children deserve parents who put their needs above their own grievances. And that is a responsibility that belongs to every parent.

---

Deanna Newell Family Law

Advocacy for truth-tellers, survivors, and the children who deserve better