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The Abuse Doesn't Always End When The Relationship Ends

Deanna Newell
Aug 9
3 min read


We need to talk about the victims that nobody wants to talk about.


Domestic abuse is not exclusively a women’s issue. Men can be victims. Women can be perpetrators. Children can become victims too.


The latest ONS figures for England and Wales estimate that 1.5 million men experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2025,  alongside 2.2 million women. Overall, around 3.8 million adults experienced domestic abuse. 


The Crime Survey - Domestic abuse victim characteristics, England and Wales: year ending March 2025


That is not a fringe issue. It is a national safeguarding issue.


What Happens After Separation?


For some victims, separation is not the end of the abuse. The abuse often continues as post-separation abuse:


  • Controlling finances

  • Economic abuse

  • Intimidation and threats

  • Gaslighting and psychological abuse

  • Using children as messengers

  • Deliberately creating conflict around child arrangements

  • Controlling or restricting communication

  • Repeatedly using disputes or proceedings to maintain control

  • Undermining the other parent’s relationship with their children

  • Physical violence, including serious violence and strangulation


The law already recognises many of these behaviours.


The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 defines domestic abuse to include physical or sexual abuse, violent or threatening behaviour, controlling or coercive behaviour, economic abuse and psychological/emotional abuse.


Crucially, the legislation also recognises that abuse can be directed at a child as a means of abusing another person.  And that children are not simply passive witnesses.


Under section 3 of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, a child can be considered a victim where they see, hear, or experience the effects of domestic abuse if they are related to the victim or to the perpetrator. 


Please refer to the statutory guideance linked here for further information.


The Family Court Has A Duty To Look At This



Where domestic abuse is alleged or established, the Family Court must consider the nature of the allegations, the potential harm to the child and parent, and whether arrangements could expose either to further harm.


It also specifically requires consideration of whether a parent is using the court process to continue a form of domestic abuse against the other parent. 


That is of crucial importance because post-separation abuse can hide behind apparently ordinary disputes about children.


A child should never become "the messenger", "the investigator",
or "the emotional support" for a parent.


Children need to be protected from adult conflict, regardless of whether the alleged perpetrator is male or female.


This Must Not Become A Gender War


We must be able to hold two truths at the same time:


Women experience devastating domestic abuse.

Men also experience devastating domestic abuse.


Recognising male victims does not take anything away from female victims.


Holding female perpetrators accountable does not mean blaming women.

Equality means the law applies to behaviour,  not stereotypes.

A man should not have to prove that he is somehow “weak enough” to be believed.


A woman should not be presumed innocent simply because she is a mother.


And a parent should not be able to use children, money or the family justice system as instruments of coercive control.


My Call For Reform


We need a mandatory Family Justice Triage Assessment at the beginning of cases involving allegations of domestic abuse, coercive control or significant child-arrangement disputes.


The assessment should identify:


  • Domestic abuse and coercive control

  • Financial/economic abuse

  • Post-separation abuse

  • Risk to children

  • Use of children in adult conflict

  • Patterns of litigation or repeated applications

  • Safeguarding concerns

  • The impact on both parents  regardless of sex


Cases involving serious or complex risk should move into enhanced assessment involving the appropriate safeguarding, financial and justice professionals.


We should stop asking: “Is this a mother or a father?”. We should be asking: “What is happening, who is at risk, and what do the children need?”


The law has already moved beyond the idea that domestic abuse is only physical violence. Our systems must now move beyond the idea that abuse necessarily ends when someone leaves.


Domestic abuse has no gender.
Coercive control has no gender.
Post-separation abuse has no gender.
Children should never be placed in the middle.


Listen. Assess. Safeguard. Act.


DN Family Law,  campaigning for fairer, safer and evidence-based family justice.

Deanna Newell | Founder - DN Family Law | Campaign Lead - Reform That Works

Advocacy for truth-tellers, survivors, and the children who deserve better

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