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What is
domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is not just about violence.

 

It’s about power, control, and the destruction of another person’s freedom, safety, and identity.

 

It’s a pattern of behaviour used to dominate, isolate, degrade, and break someone down; physically, emotionally, financially, or psychologically.

 

It can happen in any relationship: between partners, family members, or carers. It doesn’t matter what gender, background, or age you are.

 

Abuse can happen to anyone - and it is never your fault.

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Domestic abuse is not a “bad relationship”. It’s not a one-off argument. It’s not mutual.  It is one person systematically controlling another. That’s abuse.

Common forms of domestic abuse

Domestic abuse doesn’t come in one form - it’s an umbrella of tactics used to exert control.

 

Many victims experience a combination of the following:

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  • Physical abuse – Hitting, slapping, choking, pushing, restraining, or threatening physical harm.

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  • Sexual abuse – Any sexual contact without consent, including within relationships. Coercion is not consent.

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  • Financial/Economic abuse – Taking control of your money, sabotaging your work, forcing you into debt, or denying basic needs.

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  • Coercive control – A deliberate campaign of isolation, intimidation, micromanagement, and gaslighting that leaves you feeling trapped and powerless.

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  • Emotional and psychological abuse – Name-calling, manipulation, humiliation, and constant put-downs that destroy your self-worth.

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  • Digital abuse – Using phones, social media, GPS, or smart tech to monitor, stalk, harass, or control.

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  • ‘Honour’-based abuse – Violence or punishment to defend a family’s so-called “honour”, often targeting women or LGBTQ+ individuals.

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  • Forced marriage – Being pressured, threatened, or emotionally blackmailed into marriage without your full, free consent.

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  • Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) – The illegal and violent cutting or altering of female genitalia for non-medical reasons. A form of gender-based violence.

Recognising domestic abuse

Domestic abuse doesn’t always leave bruises.

 

It often begins with subtle control; isolating you from friends, monitoring your movements, criticising what you wear, or making you feel like you’re the problem.

 

Over time, it escalates. What begins as emotional manipulation can turn into financial control, psychological degradation, sexual coercion, or physical violence.

 

You might be experiencing domestic abuse if:

 

  • You feel scared of your partner or a family member.

  • You’re constantly walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.

  • Your phone, money, or movements are being monitored or restricted.

  • You’re blamed for everything—even their behaviour.

  • You’ve lost your confidence, independence, or sense of self.

  • You’re being hurt, threatened, or forced into things against your will.

 

If it feels wrong — it probably is.

Practice guidance

The Domestic Abuse Practice Guidance in the CIAF includes the following advice: 

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"Ensure you have clearly distinguished between harmful conflict, domestic abuse and bond breaking or alienating behaviours which lead to resistance to contact.”

 

Perpetrators of domestic abuse will sometimes attempt to deflect blame, or reverse culpability, by making counter-allegations that the victim is alienating the child against them when in fact their child has come to their own conclusions based on their experiences.

 

In these circumstances, FCAs are guided by the evidence/findings and do not lose sight of the distinction between the child’s ‘justified’, or ‘appropriate rejection’ of a parent as will sometimes be the case where the child has suffered domestic abuse and rejection caused by deliberately alienating or unjustified communications and behaviours. 

What You Can Do - And How to Get Help

​If you’re experiencing domestic abuse, you are not alone. You are not imagining it. And you do not deserve it.

 

Abuse thrives in silence, shame, and fear. Speaking out can feel terrifying - but it is the first step toward freedom.

 

1. Trust your instincts

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If something feels wrong, it probably is.  Abuse isn’t always physical. You don’t need bruises to justify leaving. If you feel scared, controlled, diminished, or trapped - that is enough.

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You don’t need permission to protect yourself.

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2. Talk to someone you trust

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Confide in someone safe - a friend, family member, GP, teacher, or support worker. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just need to start talking.

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If it’s not safe to speak out loud, write it down, text, or message. Use code words if needed.

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3. Reach out for professional support

 

There are trained professionals who believe you, support you, and will never judge you. You are not overreacting. You are not weak. You are surviving.

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In the UK:

 

  • National Domestic Abuse Helpline (24/7)  0808 2000 247

— Free and confidential     www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

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  • Refuge, Respect, Galop (for LGBTQ+ survivors), and Karma Nirvana (for honour-based abuse) also offer tailored support.

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4. Make a safety plan

 

If you’re still living with your abuser or planning to leave, having a safety plan can help keep you and your children safer.

 

This might include:

 

  • Hiding a spare phone or important documents.

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  • Agreeing a code word with a trusted friend.

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  • Knowing safe exits and emergency numbers.

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  • Planning when and how to leave when it’s safest.

 

Leaving is often the most dangerous time. You don’t have to do it alone. Support services can help you plan safely and discreetly.

 

5. Keep records if it’s safe

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If you can, document incidents of abuse—dates, texts, photos, medical reports, or witness statements. This may help if you need to seek legal protection (like a non-molestation order) or access services later.

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6. You deserve a life free from fear

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You do not have to stay for the children. You do not have to keep forgiving. You do not have to make it work.   Your safety is the priority. Your freedom is your right.

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In an emergency:

 

  • ​​​​​Call 999  If you’re in danger, call the police.

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  • You can press 55 silently if you’re unable to speak (when prompted during the call).

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  • Go to a safe place – GP surgery, pharmacy, hospital, or library. Some have Safe Spaces where you can discreetly ask for help.

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 You are not to blame.  You are not broken.  You are not alone.

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There is a way out. And there is life after abuse.

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